Letter to Mother

(which will never be read by her, unless you does another Columbo on me again and somehow tracks this down to me..)

Dear Mother,

You are my mother, and so I have to love you. I love you unconditionally, but to use your own words - "I don't have to like you". You may think I like you, but in actual fact, every moment I spend with you is spent thinking about when I can be without you. You scare me. You even told me yourself that every child must respect and fear their mother. You've gone overboard on the fear. I can't like you if every single syllable that comes out of my mouth must be analysed with caution for fear of saying something which you will use as a reason to harness further control on me.

You are not my friend.

I am angry whenever I am with you. I am frustrated with you and with myself. You want me to go on holiday with you after my exam because you wanted me to have fun this summer... I messed up two years ago, and when you found out you ruined what I had planned to have fun this summer. I have sacrificed SO MUCH this year so I could validate to myself going to Reading as a treat to myself and you have taken that away from me. You have taken all control over my life away from me. You cannot expect me to like you if you can crush me so easily. I am your child but I am not A child. I have a life that you are so uncomfortable with, a life that I am in control of that you have no bearing on, and as you try and infiltrate and bring me back down to the depression that I was in when I lived here with you I want to die again.

You are killing me slowly. And what's worse - you can't even see it. Or at least I hope that you can't, because if you can and you continue to do what you're doing then I cannot fathom how horrible you must be.

I am the last one that you feel that you can stick your claws into. I am ruining relationships with my friends because of you. I have no more freedom at university than I did at home. You have ruined my brain for me.

I am not your friend.
I do not like you.
I do not want to spend time with someone that horrifies me.
You horrify me.

You can't expect me to do this anymore.

"i'm not calling you a liar...

"... just don't lie to me"

- Florence + The Machine

I am in love with a boy. Nay, a man.

I have been raised a Muslim girl. I believe in God, but there are certain aspects of Islam that I feel are definitely cultural and not applicable to the times that we live in now. The Quraan says that Muslims and non-Muslims should not mix - hello persecution.

All those Muslims that say that one must stay with only Muslim company, are we ignoring the parts that talk about "The People of the Book" - i.e. Jews and Christians too... Are you saying Moses and Jesus don't belong in Heaven?

Anyway, the point of this post is not about discussing flaws in religion and its interpretation.

I am in love. The man I am in love with is not a Muslim. The Muslim boys I do know are, in a word, cunts. I'm sorry, but I refuse to subject myself to a life of misery with someone who doesn't respect me. OK, it's possible that the Muslim boys I know are the select few who are twunts, but they're what I've been exposed to, and if they're my only options for marriage, then I will gladly remain unmarried.

A common internal conflict with girls in this situation is upsetting your parents.

1. Don't tell them about him unless marriage is definitely on the cards. My parents aren't outwardly strict, but definitely hold some of their values. Don't be a douche and try to 'rebel' because it's only going to piss them off, and this wonderful boy that you're in love with will bear the brunt of the blame, because their daughter can't POSSIBLY have years worth of pent up frustration.
2. Remember, this is the person you want to have a family with. Your parents have raised you and they will always be your blood, but if you choose keeping them happy and living a life of depression that's not healthy
3. Make sure you're happy with this guy. Your parents may be pissed for a bit, so make sure that he is worth it.
4. I can't reiterate enough that this man will be your partner in LIFE. Your parents have raised you, but they will not be starting a family with you. You.... wait for it... ARE ALLOWED TO BE HAPPY.
5. You just have to jump through hoops to get there. It's difficult, but it'll be worth it in the end.

At least, I keep telling myself this hoping it will make everything easier. It will all be worth it in the end.

Also, remember to let the guy know from the outset that a relationship with you is going to be complicated.

I had a great talk with my guy when we were first seeing each other. I mean, it was easy because we'd been friends for near on a year at this point. I let him know that I couldn't live with him before marriage/engagement (my bro managed to pull that one over the rents, so I'll probably push for it too), and he couldn't meet my parents until we knew that this was it. He and I would become we. I've been with him over a year now and with all his friends getting engaged and married all over the place he felt comfortable enough to talk about how his timescale was. He said that he'd want to be seeing a girl for about 3 years when he proposes, and that he wants kids by the time he's 30. I want them by the time I'm 25 (I'll be just about to start my residency so it's the perfect time to take time out to have kids). It was his way of saying that right now, if I stick around, I'm his girl. I'm the one that will mean everything goes to plan. Scary, but in a good way. I love this guy and I'm willing to risk it for a chocolate biscuit.

Basically, if my parents don't approve solely on the fact he is not Muslim, then that is not a reason I can agree with. The would have a plethora of broken hearts on their hands. It wouldn't be a good move for them.

So the last thing I'm saying in this post is - expect everything. Your parents may be a lot stricter than you expect, and you need to clarify EVERYTHING in your head before you approach them with this relationship.

Happy loving.

x

fail

My life is a failure.

I've been with my boyfriend for 7 months now.

I have 3 close friends, all of whom live in different countries.

I don't think I'm happy. I think I'm clinging onto everything I have in the hope they'll make me happy again.

I love boy. I do. I love being with him, I love how he cares for me, I love how I can tell him everything, apart from how unhappy I am. I'm unhappy with my life. He's such a big part of my life and I'm not sure if he's a part of my unhappiness.

I've definitely noticed that since I've been with him that I've become one of those girls. You know, the ones that spend all their time with their boyfriend rather than their friends. I've lost most of my friends.

But I love being with him, and I adore spending time with him. I'm happy with him, but I want.. I want more. I feel like I'm doing everything wrong. The thoughts I'm thinking are wrong. That... I can't tell him how I feel because I don't want him to think that I'm a bad person.

I want to spend the rest of my life with him, but I'm only 19 and I have some unfinished business. How can I put this across to him? He thinks I'm this sweet and innocent girl, and I am. But there are opportunities throwing themselves at me and I have to say no because they'll break everything. I can't have everything. I can't have him and find myself at the same time.

I thought I found myself in him, but there are still pieces missing. Parts that can't be satisfied while I'm with him. What do I do? Stay with him and be incomplete or leave him and lose everything I had with him forever. He makes me feel guilty for being incomplete. Not... actively, but the way he talks, the way he loves me. The way he has been faithful from the start, and I know he will be until the end. I'm 19, this is my first real relationship. He's my first real love. But, I know if I mess up it's over forever and I'll be broken.

I want him forever. I just... I need a break.

I don't know...

"She's a brick...

... and I'm drowning slowly"
- brick, ben folds five

I'm scared.

I'm treading on thin ice.

4 months and 2 days.
18 weeks.
196 days.

Ho-Lee-Fuck.

Right?

I think he knows how scared I am.
I get scared when I'm asleep, because I'm afraid I'll wake up in the morning and he'll be gone.

NO.

Not a secret. I'll tell this to anyone. #4