fail

My life is a failure.

I've been with my boyfriend for 7 months now.

I have 3 close friends, all of whom live in different countries.

I don't think I'm happy. I think I'm clinging onto everything I have in the hope they'll make me happy again.

I love boy. I do. I love being with him, I love how he cares for me, I love how I can tell him everything, apart from how unhappy I am. I'm unhappy with my life. He's such a big part of my life and I'm not sure if he's a part of my unhappiness.

I've definitely noticed that since I've been with him that I've become one of those girls. You know, the ones that spend all their time with their boyfriend rather than their friends. I've lost most of my friends.

But I love being with him, and I adore spending time with him. I'm happy with him, but I want.. I want more. I feel like I'm doing everything wrong. The thoughts I'm thinking are wrong. That... I can't tell him how I feel because I don't want him to think that I'm a bad person.

I want to spend the rest of my life with him, but I'm only 19 and I have some unfinished business. How can I put this across to him? He thinks I'm this sweet and innocent girl, and I am. But there are opportunities throwing themselves at me and I have to say no because they'll break everything. I can't have everything. I can't have him and find myself at the same time.

I thought I found myself in him, but there are still pieces missing. Parts that can't be satisfied while I'm with him. What do I do? Stay with him and be incomplete or leave him and lose everything I had with him forever. He makes me feel guilty for being incomplete. Not... actively, but the way he talks, the way he loves me. The way he has been faithful from the start, and I know he will be until the end. I'm 19, this is my first real relationship. He's my first real love. But, I know if I mess up it's over forever and I'll be broken.

I want him forever. I just... I need a break.

I don't know...

"She's a brick...

... and I'm drowning slowly"
- brick, ben folds five

I'm scared.

I'm treading on thin ice.

4 months and 2 days.
18 weeks.
196 days.

Ho-Lee-Fuck.

Right?

I think he knows how scared I am.
I get scared when I'm asleep, because I'm afraid I'll wake up in the morning and he'll be gone.

NO.

Not a secret. I'll tell this to anyone. #4

I spoke too soon.

I haven't changed one bit.

I've got a hunger twisting my stomach into knots

-the sound of settling, death cab for cutie

I went on a date on Friday night. Like an actual date. Like with a boy that I hadn't even kissed yet.

I went on a date.

It's weird, because I haven't even been seeing him for a week, and I can't stop thinking about him. Surely that's a bit full on? Like Tas said... have I forgot everything I've learnt about men over the past years? Clearly, because I really like this guy. He seems different.

I mean, he has cannabalistic butterflies. I only get butterflies for him. All the other guys I used to... not there anymore. I only get butterflies for him.

I slept with the wrong guy the other night. I don't know what came over me. I must've been drunk, or pissed off with the world and thought, tonight's the night. I've known him since the start of the year, and he's hot.. and I thought I was ready, but it hit me just now that I really regret it. I don't give a fuck about him. It just felt like a win... and that is so wrong. So fucking wrong.

But this guy I'm dating... I really like this one. Even more than novemeber boy. I'm actually dreading not being able to see him over summer. It... upsets me? I don't know. Should I even be thinking this far? I'm only here for 3 more weeks and then it's back to Brum. And I think I'm definitely going to fail. UGH.

I'm scared.