"They call me Jane...

"... That's not my name"
- The Ting Tings, That's not my name.

Three words describe me right now. Three small words can sum up my entirety. How pathetic is that?

I don't know.

I don't. I don't know a thing. I'm doing things completely out of character, I'm getting depressed again... and I'm bringing everyone down with me... at least, everyone that cares.

Exams are 9 days away. I have 9 days to decide whether I want to do anything worthwhile with my life.

I'm too afraid to feel like this. The last time I felt like this, one long run for 4 years, I wanted it all to end. Not many people know how close I came. Not even my family. Then things started to get better. Law of averages.. it was ridiculously unlikely for me to feel this way forever, I forced myself to feel happy. Then Joe went a fracking died on me. The one person who knows everything died. And then I started to feel bad again. I hated Joe. You hear that Murphreak?! I fracking HATED you. You left me. Abandoned me to deal with all this hell on my own.

I felt bad. I felt pathetic. I didn't know a thing. All I knew was you.

You were the only person I've ever believed when you said you loved me... "In that way... not the whole I've-known-you-for-16-years- I-know-every-thing-about-you-my-dear-friend I love you. The I-want-you-hell-I-need-you I love you". And then you went away. You left me with those last words and I felt more abandoned than ever. It wasn't fair. It was cruel. You knew you wouldn't be here for me. And I know you know it too. If I remember correctly you said you'd die selfishly when we were 14. Well you did it. You kept to your word.

But, Joe, I love you too. In the I-want-you-hell-I-need-you way.

So I see my motivation. Go to uni in September, start completely afresh, where no one knows my history, and try and remember what it means to be happy.

Wish me luck.