"The hounds of love are calling"

-futureheads, hounds of love

When you get older the definition of infidelity becomes more serious. When I was 5, if another boy borrowed a pencil from me I was cheating on my 'boyfriend'. When I was 10, if I sat next to another boy in one lesson I was cheating on my 'boyfriend'. When I was 15, if I flirted with another guy, or sat next to another guy in the cinema and shared his popcorn because my boyfriend got salty and I prefered sweet, if I spoke to another guy on the phone, I was cheating on my boyfriend. Now I'm 18. Now, cheating means one of us is sleeping with someone else, or thinking about sleeping with someone else. I can flirt all I like, heck, I can kiss other guys and it doesn't count as cheating to him, but sex... That's the big one. Even though I'm not sleeping with him, and probably won't for quite a while now, if I even entertain thoughts of considering sleeping with someone else, I'm a cheater. I've let him know that I don't mind not being exclusive. He has needs which I'm not offering to satisfy. I still count myself as single even though we've been 'together' for about 8 months because now it seems that you don't count yourself in a relationship unless you're sleeping together.
I was told that I tease until they say 'I love you' and the leave them without even a kiss. I'm not afraid of commitment, quite the opposite. But if they're not getting sex from me, and they don't know when they'll be getting it, I don't think it's fair on them to be stuck with me. Even I don't know when I'll feel ready again. So yeah, when they say they love me, I know it's better to cut it off sooner rather than later, rather than explain why when they assume I'm cheating on them as the reason we're not shagging. If that makes sense at all.
So basically I've stuck around for this long with this guy because he doesn't trust me and I don't trust him. The only part of each other's lives we know about is each other. I've got him and he's got me. It's safer. Neither of us are invested in the other. Eventually it'll all be over. We just use each other as dates for events... Really. And just to clarify, he hasn't said he loves me.
At least, not while he's sober.
So when people ask why I'm single, it's because it's the least cruel thing I can do. I've had offers, it's most certainly not for lack of them. But it's because I don't want them to get hurt at all.
I'm cheating on my boyfriend.
I've been thinking about sleeping with this other guy for months now. I doubt I ever will, but thinking about sex with another guy... That's cheating to my boyfriend. And what sucks is this guy has said he loves me, but I don't think he means it in the sense that I do. That immense longing, like he would die for me. That's how Joe felt. So to me, love is intense and you don't say it unless you mean it. You don't say it for a shag, under any circumstances. Well, not to me, considering the state I'm in. And this guy knows that I don't plan on sleeping with him for a very long time. Possibly ever. But we talk about it. "it's no different to flirting in real life" (this is a slight virtual encounter, by the way, and if you don't understand you never will so bugger off or stay quiet), but it is. He knows me so well that I'm afraid I really like him. Seriously. I don't tell just anyone this stuff. But it'll never become any more than innocent flirting, because he wants something that I'll never be able to give him.
I hate relationships. I wish love didn't exist. We choose favorable partners and stay with them for mating season. That's it. That's how the animals do it, and what are we other than glorified monkeys?