Letter to Mother

(which will never be read by her, unless you does another Columbo on me again and somehow tracks this down to me..)

Dear Mother,

You are my mother, and so I have to love you. I love you unconditionally, but to use your own words - "I don't have to like you". You may think I like you, but in actual fact, every moment I spend with you is spent thinking about when I can be without you. You scare me. You even told me yourself that every child must respect and fear their mother. You've gone overboard on the fear. I can't like you if every single syllable that comes out of my mouth must be analysed with caution for fear of saying something which you will use as a reason to harness further control on me.

You are not my friend.

I am angry whenever I am with you. I am frustrated with you and with myself. You want me to go on holiday with you after my exam because you wanted me to have fun this summer... I messed up two years ago, and when you found out you ruined what I had planned to have fun this summer. I have sacrificed SO MUCH this year so I could validate to myself going to Reading as a treat to myself and you have taken that away from me. You have taken all control over my life away from me. You cannot expect me to like you if you can crush me so easily. I am your child but I am not A child. I have a life that you are so uncomfortable with, a life that I am in control of that you have no bearing on, and as you try and infiltrate and bring me back down to the depression that I was in when I lived here with you I want to die again.

You are killing me slowly. And what's worse - you can't even see it. Or at least I hope that you can't, because if you can and you continue to do what you're doing then I cannot fathom how horrible you must be.

I am the last one that you feel that you can stick your claws into. I am ruining relationships with my friends because of you. I have no more freedom at university than I did at home. You have ruined my brain for me.

I am not your friend.
I do not like you.
I do not want to spend time with someone that horrifies me.
You horrify me.

You can't expect me to do this anymore.