COLD.BORED.TIRED.CONFUSED.

Letter to Mother

2010-08-08T16:14:00.003+01:00

(which will never be read by her, unless you does another Columbo on me again and somehow tracks this down to me..)

Dear Mother,

You are my mother, and so I have to love you. I love you unconditionally, but to use your own words - "I don't have to like you". You may think I like you, but in actual fact, every moment I spend with you is spent thinking about when I can be without you. You scare me. You even told me yourself that every child must respect and fear their mother. You've gone overboard on the fear. I can't like you if every single syllable that comes out of my mouth must be analysed with caution for fear of saying something which you will use as a reason to harness further control on me.

You are not my friend.

I am angry whenever I am with you. I am frustrated with you and with myself. You want me to go on holiday with you after my exam because you wanted me to have fun this summer... I messed up two years ago, and when you found out you ruined what I had planned to have fun this summer. I have sacrificed SO MUCH this year so I could validate to myself going to Reading as a treat to myself and you have taken that away from me. You have taken all control over my life away from me. You cannot expect me to like you if you can crush me so easily. I am your child but I am not A child. I have a life that you are so uncomfortable with, a life that I am in control of that you have no bearing on, and as you try and infiltrate and bring me back down to the depression that I was in when I lived here with you I want to die again.

You are killing me slowly. And what's worse - you can't even see it. Or at least I hope that you can't, because if you can and you continue to do what you're doing then I cannot fathom how horrible you must be.

I am the last one that you feel that you can stick your claws into. I am ruining relationships with my friends because of you. I have no more freedom at university than I did at home. You have ruined my brain for me.

I am not your friend.
I do not like you.
I do not want to spend time with someone that horrifies me.
You horrify me.

You can't expect me to do this anymore.

"i'm not calling you a liar...

2010-08-06T12:41:00.002+01:00

"... just don't lie to me"

- Florence + The Machine

I am in love with a boy. Nay, a man.

I have been raised a Muslim girl. I believe in God, but there are certain aspects of Islam that I feel are definitely cultural and not applicable to the times that we live in now. The Quraan says that Muslims and non-Muslims should not mix - hello persecution.

All those Muslims that say that one must stay with only Muslim company, are we ignoring the parts that talk about "The People of the Book" - i.e. Jews and Christians too... Are you saying Moses and Jesus don't belong in Heaven?

Anyway, the point of this post is not about discussing flaws in religion and its interpretation.

I am in love. The man I am in love with is not a Muslim. The Muslim boys I do know are, in a word, cunts. I'm sorry, but I refuse to subject myself to a life of misery with someone who doesn't respect me. OK, it's possible that the Muslim boys I know are the select few who are twunts, but they're what I've been exposed to, and if they're my only options for marriage, then I will gladly remain unmarried.

A common internal conflict with girls in this situation is upsetting your parents.

Don't tell them about him unless marriage is definitely on the cards. My parents aren't outwardly strict, but definitely hold some of their values. Don't be a douche and try to 'rebel' because it's only going to piss them off, and this wonderful boy that you're in love with will bear the brunt of the blame, because their daughter can't POSSIBLY have years worth of pent up frustration.
Remember, this is the person you want to have a family with. Your parents have raised you and they will always be your blood, but if you choose keeping them happy and living a life of depression that's not healthy
Make sure you're happy with this guy. Your parents may be pissed for a bit, so make sure that he is worth it.
I can't reiterate enough that this man will be your partner in LIFE. Your parents have raised you, but they will not be starting a family with you. You.... wait for it... ARE ALLOWED TO BE HAPPY.
You just have to jump through hoops to get there. It's difficult, but it'll be worth it in the end.

At least, I keep telling myself this hoping it will make everything easier. It will all be worth it in the end.

Also, remember to let the guy know from the outset that a relationship with you is going to be complicated.

I had a great talk with my guy when we were first seeing each other. I mean, it was easy because we'd been friends for near on a year at this point. I let him know that I couldn't live with him before marriage/engagement (my bro managed to pull that one over the rents, so I'll probably push for it too), and he couldn't meet my parents until we knew that this was it. He and I would become we. I've been with him over a year now and with all his friends getting engaged and married all over the place he felt comfortable enough to talk about how his timescale was. He said that he'd want to be seeing a girl for about 3 years when he proposes, and that he wants kids by the time he's 30. I want them by the time I'm 25 (I'll be just about to start my residency so it's the perfect time to take time out to have kids). It was his way of saying that right now, if I stick around, I'm his girl. I'm the one that will mean everything goes to plan. Scary, but in a good way. I love this guy and I'm willing to risk it for a chocolate biscuit.

Basically, if my parents don't approve solely on the fact he is not Muslim, then that is not a reason I can agree with. The would have a plethora of broken hearts on their hands. It wouldn't be a good move for them.

So the last thing I'm saying in this post is - expect everything. Your parents may be a lot stricter than you expect, and you need to clarify EVERYTHING in your head before you approach them with this relationship.

Happy loving.

fail

2009-12-20T11:23:00.002Z

My life is a failure.

I've been with my boyfriend for 7 months now.

I have 3 close friends, all of whom live in different countries.

I don't think I'm happy. I think I'm clinging onto everything I have in the hope they'll make me happy again.

I love boy. I do. I love being with him, I love how he cares for me, I love how I can tell him everything, apart from how unhappy I am. I'm unhappy with my life. He's such a big part of my life and I'm not sure if he's a part of my unhappiness.

I've definitely noticed that since I've been with him that I've become one of those girls. You know, the ones that spend all their time with their boyfriend rather than their friends. I've lost most of my friends.

But I love being with him, and I adore spending time with him. I'm happy with him, but I want.. I want more. I feel like I'm doing everything wrong. The thoughts I'm thinking are wrong. That... I can't tell him how I feel because I don't want him to think that I'm a bad person.

I want to spend the rest of my life with him, but I'm only 19 and I have some unfinished business. How can I put this across to him? He thinks I'm this sweet and innocent girl, and I am. But there are opportunities throwing themselves at me and I have to say no because they'll break everything. I can't have everything. I can't have him and find myself at the same time.

I thought I found myself in him, but there are still pieces missing. Parts that can't be satisfied while I'm with him. What do I do? Stay with him and be incomplete or leave him and lose everything I had with him forever. He makes me feel guilty for being incomplete. Not... actively, but the way he talks, the way he loves me. The way he has been faithful from the start, and I know he will be until the end. I'm 19, this is my first real relationship. He's my first real love. But, I know if I mess up it's over forever and I'll be broken.

I want him forever. I just... I need a break.

I don't know...

"She's a brick...

2009-09-25T15:20:00.002+01:00

... and I'm drowning slowly"
- brick, ben folds five

I'm scared.

I'm treading on thin ice.

4 months and 2 days.
18 weeks.
196 days.

Ho-Lee-Fuck.

Right?

I think he knows how scared I am.
I get scared when I'm asleep, because I'm afraid I'll wake up in the morning and he'll be gone.

NO.

Not a secret. I'll tell this to anyone. #4

2009-07-14T17:03:00.001+01:00

2009-05-27T03:17:00.001+01:00

I spoke too soon.

I haven't changed one bit.

I've got a hunger twisting my stomach into knots

2009-05-26T21:20:00.003+01:00

-the sound of settling, death cab for cutie

I went on a date on Friday night. Like an actual date. Like with a boy that I hadn't even kissed yet.

I went on a date.

It's weird, because I haven't even been seeing him for a week, and I can't stop thinking about him. Surely that's a bit full on? Like Tas said... have I forgot everything I've learnt about men over the past years? Clearly, because I really like this guy. He seems different.

I mean, he has cannabalistic butterflies. I only get butterflies for him. All the other guys I used to... not there anymore. I only get butterflies for him.

I slept with the wrong guy the other night. I don't know what came over me. I must've been drunk, or pissed off with the world and thought, tonight's the night. I've known him since the start of the year, and he's hot.. and I thought I was ready, but it hit me just now that I really regret it. I don't give a fuck about him. It just felt like a win... and that is so wrong. So fucking wrong.

But this guy I'm dating... I really like this one. Even more than novemeber boy. I'm actually dreading not being able to see him over summer. It... upsets me? I don't know. Should I even be thinking this far? I'm only here for 3 more weeks and then it's back to Brum. And I think I'm definitely going to fail. UGH.

I'm scared.

"There must be some kinda way out of here"

2009-05-05T22:29:00.004+01:00

- all along the watchtower, jimi hendrix

What is wrong with me?

Am I in love? I can't stop thinking about him, I let him change my mind, I want him uncontrollably. As much as I try to hate him... or hell, even just forget about him I can't. And this is different to The First. That was ugly as hell. I caught myself falling too fast. But now... I'm falling and I like it. I like the abusive banter we give each other, I love the way he insults me and then takes it back immediately so he won't hurt my feelings, I love the way I can call him a retard and he wont get offended, I love the way he can see me again.

He smiles when he sees me. He knows the truth... and believes it... and doesn't hate me for it.

Now that's a First.

His smile gives me the butterflies.

I FOUND THE FUCKING BUTTERFLIES

And it took me long enough...

I love how he waited for me today.

But then... it was like I didn't exist... in a split second he changed. And I don't know if I can do that. Can he not be friends with me in front of other people? I don't understand? Is he still stung by the old stigma whihc surrounded us?

So basically, I know how to be happy... I just don't know how to get there and it pisses me off. It doesn't scare me... it just gets on my nerves. And I can't be bothered with THAT GIRL. She's too needy, oh and The Other One. TOO is a grown woman who acts like she's 12. I sick of being the grown up around here.

Do I love him?

I don't know? Is it because I want a someone that I'm thinking of him like this?

He's the constant.

I'm not in love.

I'm just addicted.

"We're better off as two"

2009-04-12T15:48:00.003+01:00

- better off as two, frankmusik

13 weeks and 4 days.

That's how long it's been since I was last "home", ignoring Haider's birthday.

13 weeks and 4 days. That's a long time.

A lot can happen.

I did my exams, I fell for a psycho, made friends with someone who I was unsure of, lead myself into conflict about an ex boy, made a new friend who became an enemy and is now a friend again. I got help. I've fascinated my therapist, I've made my best friend cry because I let her find out the truth about me. I've been stabbed in the back. I told a pervert to leave me alone. I've told the truth and people didn't believe me.

I've found myself.

And I fucking rock.

"There's no comfort in the waiting room"

2009-02-01T14:11:00.004Z

- death cab for cutie, what sarah said

I've got myself into a fucked up situation.
I don't know why I do this. I mean, I knew he had a girlfriend. I'm not worth it. He knows that now. But now... Everything is fucked up.
Do you believe the drunken words of brand new friends?
I've never had anyone want the best for me. So why would they start now?
He's beautiful in the dereliction of his soul. I don't want to fix him. He wouldn't be the same, and it's not my place. But WHY? All I want to know why he's like that? Why does he see everything as so fucked up? I'm fucked up beyond measure, and he seems so much worse. But is he? Or is he writing his novel, like me? And now he's lost the line between imagination and reality. He's become the fucked up protagonist. Because that can mess with absolutely anyone.
At least he can love. I can't even do that. I don't have anyone I love. Does that make me a cold hearted callous bitch? Yes. But I'm always wondering if there's anyone really worth loving. I've come to the conclusion that there isn't. Not any more.
I don't know what else to say.

New Year's Resolutions 2009

2008-12-31T01:47:00.002Z

1. Go swimming at least 3 times a week

2. Get down to 55kg

3. Finish PBL work on Sunday nights

4. Get past group stages in one pool tournament (yes, that's all I'm asking for a year!)

5. Cook at least 1 proper meal a week at uni

6. Finish at least 5 books by Murakami

7. Learn how to ride a bike

8. Pass my first year of medical school

9. Tell him how I really feel. i.e. Stop being a jerk. I don't like you that way, but you know we have a good time together so stop being a dick and talk to me!

10. Read 12 of the 1001 Books You Must Read Before You Die

I think that's reasonable.

"What the fuck was I thinking?"

2008-11-30T05:33:00.002Z

- fuck was i, jenny owen youngs

Dear DICK.

Yes, I am calling you dick, because I don’t have the energy to think of you as an actual person who deserves a name.

You need to STOP IT.

You need to stop pretending to care about serious things going on in other peoples’ lives just to get into said peoples’ knickers. It’s not big. It’s not clever. It’s DICKish. People get hurt. People feel like retards for trusting you. People feel more vulnerable than ever.

But then you’re not a dick. Or you’re almost as good a liar as I am. And I’m a fucking good liar. So good that even I can’t tell when I’m telling the truth. You need to make your mind up. You need to stop being so self sacrificing. It makes me feel like I’m the bad one because you’ve been so good in admitting you’re the problem. You’re a manipulative, lying DICK.

So, like, I’m sitting here typing this and thinking… WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING? And it was my fault. I led you on. I was the one that was in the wrong. I should have just left you be. But no. I had to give a damn about you. Because I’m SUCH A GOOD PERSON. And I knew exactly what was going to happen. Just like every time.

And then you caught me off guard!

DICK.

I told you NO. I wasn’t ready. I didn’t want to do it then. And so what do you do? You start. And I’m left and exposed and what you hear are the retarded thoughts that are the only things I’m thinking because I don’t really know what’s just happened. I haven’t actually registered what you did.

You made sure
I
Felt
Like
SHIT.

So now everything’s screwed up. Out of everyone, you were the one who was more than nothing. And then you say those things… and I don’t know if you mean them. But maybe you do because you don’t say them to me, so would you have a reason to lie?

“Let sleeping dogs lie?”

I’m fucking waking you up, DICK. I’m sick of the lies.

Love from… MENTAL PATIENT 1.

"I'm treasured like a piece of dirt"

2008-11-28T01:59:00.003Z

- forgive me, ida maria

So I got that kiss back. At the worst time possible.

I've learnt my lesson the hard way. I despise how true the phrase "once a cheater always a cheater" applies so well to me.

I'm so very ill. I have a temperature and can barely breathe to save my life. Ironically.
I'm thinking of changing my mind. I can see where Wilma comes from. It's so hard to resist, especially when I do trust him that bit more than I ever have, apart from Joe and Jim. What happened to me happened a long time ago, but that doesn't make it any better. That doesn't mean it didn't have an impact on my life. It did. And as much as I wish someone could understand, they can't. I've experienced it and it hurts a bit when I realise that I am being selfish by letting them in this far and then showing them the mile high brick wall all of a sudden.

I need to sleep, but I need to prove myself first.

Is that ever going to happen?

I wish that a kiss could make it all better.

2008-10-10T23:58:00.003+01:00

I didn't think I would feel this bad about it. And how he's being so nice to me. I'm the bitch in this situation. And so it's fitting that I'm on a downer today.

I've lost my voice, I've found new friends, I've missed a day. I'm changing so much. So quickly. So sudden. So unexpectedly.

And I'm feeling so sad.

I fit so well but I can't have it.

Lord knows why...

But I wish I could have that kiss that I know will make me smile again someday.

Goodnight.

2008-10-02T15:58:00.006+01:00

Uni uni uni.
Utterly immense.
Up and down.
Around and about.

Running now.

Happy happy happy
Say ANYTHING and it GOES.

SHAKE! SHAKE!

"I'm calling out to you from the basement...

2008-10-01T16:27:00.003+01:00

"...I got a need to feel so I Shake! Shake!"
-Shake! Shake!, The Subways

There's no guarantee that you'll end up killing me
You're far enough to find a home.
To give me hell.
I'm working to remember why
you got to me that day you did.
You hit me with the aftershock
and expected me to stay.
I'm not the wide eyed child you remember
But don't give me your burden to bear
You're leading me to self destruction.
And you're free of any guilt.
I didn't have to give you time.
I'm so ashamed I did.
You made me fall and hurt myself,
You made me watch you walk away,
You gave your love to me.
I didn't ask for it.

x

"Maggots prey upon the living dead"

2008-08-09T23:28:00.003+01:00

-wow, I can get sexual too, Say Anything

What I was saying before about leaving them once they say they love me... I did it again with another guy. Except, I didn't mean to. I didn't FREAKIN mean to! And I'm so damn good at what I do, the whole leaving bit, that there's no coming back. The first guy, the one that haunted my first few entries was another one I didn't mean to say goodbye to. Though that was completely his fault. I was either staying or going and if he'd just met me that day I would have probably stayed. He didn't meet me, so I left.

But this time, I'm still around this guy, and knowing that telling him I couldn't do this anymore was the worst thing I could do in that situation... Even though it was because of the situation because I went slightly crazy and did stupid things that I knew would hurt me once I regained my freaking brain function. I went numb and in the space of 3 days I screwed up things getting better for me. The other boy. The one that has only told me he loves me when he's drunk... Meh. He wasn't around this weekend, so he didn't see my crazy, and I doubt he ever will.

I keep saying I went numb. The truth is, I'm still numb. Everything's coming back and hitting me in the face.

Rubbish.

"The hounds of love are calling"

2008-07-19T23:06:00.003+01:00

-futureheads, hounds of love

When you get older the definition of infidelity becomes more serious. When I was 5, if another boy borrowed a pencil from me I was cheating on my 'boyfriend'. When I was 10, if I sat next to another boy in one lesson I was cheating on my 'boyfriend'. When I was 15, if I flirted with another guy, or sat next to another guy in the cinema and shared his popcorn because my boyfriend got salty and I prefered sweet, if I spoke to another guy on the phone, I was cheating on my boyfriend. Now I'm 18. Now, cheating means one of us is sleeping with someone else, or thinking about sleeping with someone else. I can flirt all I like, heck, I can kiss other guys and it doesn't count as cheating to him, but sex... That's the big one. Even though I'm not sleeping with him, and probably won't for quite a while now, if I even entertain thoughts of considering sleeping with someone else, I'm a cheater. I've let him know that I don't mind not being exclusive. He has needs which I'm not offering to satisfy. I still count myself as single even though we've been 'together' for about 8 months because now it seems that you don't count yourself in a relationship unless you're sleeping together.
I was told that I tease until they say 'I love you' and the leave them without even a kiss. I'm not afraid of commitment, quite the opposite. But if they're not getting sex from me, and they don't know when they'll be getting it, I don't think it's fair on them to be stuck with me. Even I don't know when I'll feel ready again. So yeah, when they say they love me, I know it's better to cut it off sooner rather than later, rather than explain why when they assume I'm cheating on them as the reason we're not shagging. If that makes sense at all.
So basically I've stuck around for this long with this guy because he doesn't trust me and I don't trust him. The only part of each other's lives we know about is each other. I've got him and he's got me. It's safer. Neither of us are invested in the other. Eventually it'll all be over. We just use each other as dates for events... Really. And just to clarify, he hasn't said he loves me.
At least, not while he's sober.
So when people ask why I'm single, it's because it's the least cruel thing I can do. I've had offers, it's most certainly not for lack of them. But it's because I don't want them to get hurt at all.
I'm cheating on my boyfriend.
I've been thinking about sleeping with this other guy for months now. I doubt I ever will, but thinking about sex with another guy... That's cheating to my boyfriend. And what sucks is this guy has said he loves me, but I don't think he means it in the sense that I do. That immense longing, like he would die for me. That's how Joe felt. So to me, love is intense and you don't say it unless you mean it. You don't say it for a shag, under any circumstances. Well, not to me, considering the state I'm in. And this guy knows that I don't plan on sleeping with him for a very long time. Possibly ever. But we talk about it. "it's no different to flirting in real life" (this is a slight virtual encounter, by the way, and if you don't understand you never will so bugger off or stay quiet), but it is. He knows me so well that I'm afraid I really like him. Seriously. I don't tell just anyone this stuff. But it'll never become any more than innocent flirting, because he wants something that I'll never be able to give him.
I hate relationships. I wish love didn't exist. We choose favorable partners and stay with them for mating season. That's it. That's how the animals do it, and what are we other than glorified monkeys?

What sort of number am I?

2008-05-21T18:14:00.002+01:00

You Are 4: The Individualist

You are sensitive and intuitive, with others and yourself.

You are creative and dreamy... plus dramatic and unpredictable.

You're emotionally honest, real, and easily hurt.

Totally expressive, others always know exactly how you feel.

At Your Best: You are inspired, artistic, and introspective. You know what you're thinking, and you can communicate it well.

At Your Worst: You are melancholy, alienated, and withdrawn.

Your Fixation: Envy

Your Primary Fear: To have no identity

Your Primary Desire: To find yourself

Other Number 4's: Alanis Morisette, Johnny Depp, J.D. Salinger, Jim Morrison, and Anne Rice.

What Number Are You?

Well.. yes, ugh. Oh dear.

"Is not a kiss the very autograph of love?"

2008-05-10T17:05:00.001+01:00

- Henry Finck

So last night the heat stopped me from sleeping deep, but I still dreamt.
I wish I knew who I was thinking of before I shut my eyes because I want this dream to come true.

I don't know who he was but I saw his soul. In that one long kiss I saw who he was. He let his defences down (shouldn't that have been me?) and it was beautiful. They say you can figure everything out about each other from your first kiss. But it was a dream, so you'd expect this person to be perfect. He wasn't. It was damaged, but the dereliction was wonderful. It was upsetting but I was still smiling. It was dark but there was more clarity than I've ever known. It was horrifying but I'd never felt safer.

Am I starting to trust men again? After 5 years of turning down most guys, am I starting to open up again? Or have I become so good at lying I'm believing it myself?

"They call me Jane...

2008-05-06T19:24:00.001+01:00

"... That's not my name"
- The Ting Tings, That's not my name.

Three words describe me right now. Three small words can sum up my entirety. How pathetic is that?

I don't know.

I don't. I don't know a thing. I'm doing things completely out of character, I'm getting depressed again... and I'm bringing everyone down with me... at least, everyone that cares.

Exams are 9 days away. I have 9 days to decide whether I want to do anything worthwhile with my life.

I'm too afraid to feel like this. The last time I felt like this, one long run for 4 years, I wanted it all to end. Not many people know how close I came. Not even my family. Then things started to get better. Law of averages.. it was ridiculously unlikely for me to feel this way forever, I forced myself to feel happy. Then Joe went a fracking died on me. The one person who knows everything died. And then I started to feel bad again. I hated Joe. You hear that Murphreak?! I fracking HATED you. You left me. Abandoned me to deal with all this hell on my own.

I felt bad. I felt pathetic. I didn't know a thing. All I knew was you.

You were the only person I've ever believed when you said you loved me... "In that way... not the whole I've-known-you-for-16-years- I-know-every-thing-about-you-my-dear-friend I love you. The I-want-you-hell-I-need-you I love you". And then you went away. You left me with those last words and I felt more abandoned than ever. It wasn't fair. It was cruel. You knew you wouldn't be here for me. And I know you know it too. If I remember correctly you said you'd die selfishly when we were 14. Well you did it. You kept to your word.

But, Joe, I love you too. In the I-want-you-hell-I-need-you way.

So I see my motivation. Go to uni in September, start completely afresh, where no one knows my history, and try and remember what it means to be happy.

Wish me luck.

"Elvis isn't Dead...

2008-01-21T22:43:00.002Z

"cos I heard him on the radio"
-Scouting for girls, Elvis isn't dead

I'm sitting here typing this with an excruciating pain in my neck. Possibly because I have done nothing for the past week other than watch Prison Break. This is all Scott Sigler's fault for getting a big book deal and having to deal with actual deadlines. No new episodes means I'm not moving away from the computer screen.
Studying the brain in Biology now. Bloody confusing. Too many names to learn. I feel sorry for the poor sods who are taking Bio as a filler A-Level. If they are never going to use this information, no wonder they get pissed so easily.
Don't get me wrong, I don't think I'm better than them. I'm in the same boat with mechanics. Will someone please tell me when I will ever need to calculate motion in a vertical circle? A word of advice? If you're taking maths just to get a high grade take Stats. I literally slept in my exam. Finished it all within 15 minutes and slept the extra hour and 15. I took mechanicos because I wanted to do 'maths with meaning'. Pah! I also found stats incredibly dull. Now folks, dull means easy means I'm a retard for not taking it this year.

Short entry today. The pain is preventing my left arm from working comfortably.
OvEr aNd oUt. ><()><()><()><()><

"Sometimes you need to let it out"

2007-12-28T20:29:00.001Z

-that kleenex advert with the sofa and the crying

AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHH
Oh, my god. I really don't need to hear about the new diet tip in Cosmo which prevents headaches. You know bugger all about me, really, you can promise me that I haven't eaten a healthy thing all day. Well, that must mean that fruit & veg aren't healthy, that the stuff coming out of the tap isn't really water, it's vodka. Just SHUT UP OKAY? SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP! When you can blatantly see I'm in pain don't laugh at me, mock me, call me a freakin drug addict, because look in the mirror mate, look in the freaking mirror. I've dealt with you crap for the past 17 years, and I'm always forced to forgive you. Screw this ok. I don't want this anymore I'm a freakin human being, and I really want to know how you've convinced everyone you're on too. So leave me the hell alone.
Just GO AWAY.

10 Did You Ever Notice How...

2007-12-24T15:50:00.001Z

1. Donald Duck only ever wears a shirt but when he comes out of the shower he wraps a towel round his waist.
2. On TV people in to sleep with full make-up and supposedly wake up at least 6 hours later looking even better. No smudgage or nowt.
3. When guys find out I play rugby suddenly they think it's alright to grab me and marvel at my lack of bruising, just because I look like I just came out of a Tim Burton stop motion movie.
4. None me those kids on Junior Mastermind never has a 'junior' specialist subject. I seriously want one to come up and know EVERYTHING about Barbie.
5. People don't understand the difference between significant figures and decimal places. And when you try to explain they are adamant that they are right.
6. If you're a girl and like 'boys shows/movies/sports' (delete as appropriate) other girls immediately hate you (perhaps this is because you can relate to their boyfriends better).
7. The name of an educational institution is more important than its quality me teaching. The older the better. Times a changing folks! Innovation is everything.
8. The choice as x for the main unknown was flawed because it's way too late in the alphabet, an so we descend into Greek letters.
9. Girls tend to play Peter Pan nowadays. Last time I checked Peter was a boy.
10. In Britney's Gimme More video blonde Britney is laughing at Trashy Stripper Britney. So she knows she's screwed up? SORT YOURSELF OUT GIRL!

REJECTED. So save perry's balls.

2007-11-27T19:42:00.001Z

Oh yeah! I got rejected. But apparently i was almost shortlisted.
That's what seriously sucks. If I was rejected outright it would be
way less sore. But to know i was almost there. So I'm devoting my life
to SAVING PERRY'S BALLS! Go and help Scott Sigler take over the world.
Ok, I am aware that I still have 3 other choices to worry about, but
it's the first 1 I've heard from.
Oh, and apparently I'm shameless. Hey babes, i'm just after free
music. Music department is the best place to go, and I'm not as
infatuated as you. Shameless, not at all.
XO

'i think that you are lovely...

2007-09-18T15:54:00.001+01:00

...i think that you are beautiful' - she's so lovely, scouting for girls.

If had to describe myself to you one day i could do it perfectly fine.
But if i did it again the next day it would look like 2 different people. Life should not be this stressful. I don't even know who i am. Today i am an angry person who has serious issues with people who think that they have authority over me and they seriously don't. Being a few months older than me does not give people the right to treat me like DIRT. Teachers, yes, they control my predicted grades, so they can have authority over me. My peers are exactly that: PEERS. They're at the same level as me so i don't know if it gets them off talking to me down their noses. A word of advice: shut up. If you don't like me leave me. It's not rocket science.
So yeah, i'm angry today.
Oh and if your boyfriend who i've never spoken to prefers me to you, it's a problem with you... Not me.

I wonder who i'll be tomorrow.

'you're fired.'

2007-09-08T15:39:00.001+01:00

-alan sugar and that not so cute baby from the quilted velvet ad. I
don't like babys in suits. I just don't.

I'm like one of the only people who plays guitar but can't play fun guitar. Give me vivaldi any day and that's easy as pie. But playing contemporary songs by ear. Ha! Yeah i can write and play my own songs but if i wanted to play the beatles i would have to have it written down perfectly and then i can do it. Being classically trained for far too many years now. But i can't be that bad. I sang for joe and that turned out alright. Damn i miss him.

Oh no! Now i know. The lovely liam/gingerbread man looks like that jay guy off summerland, except a ginger version. That blond guy, not that jesse mccartney kid but the one who lives in that hut thing. I've only ever watched one episode ok.

I was way too lazy to look for grey's anatomy on the old interweb so i have to wait week by week for the episodes but i know what happens. Chris Lowell is on private practice! I loved him in lawki and veronica mars. I never thought he was fit but he was so damn cute. And i love two shots for poe.
Ok, now it's time for the geek segment. I have completed the space wolves set for Warhammer. Love it. I have my own little miniature army.
Good afternoon and goodbye.

No no no!

2007-08-31T23:51:00.001+01:00

Brian won. That fake idiot (as in he's faking being an idiot. You get Shakespeare shoved into every orifice at school. He knows who Shakespeare is.) won. I still can't belive i watched it this year. So today has been a television travesty. The researchers on Richard and Judy are getting payed too much. Heroes was on the sci fi channel MONTHS ago. It has not just come to the uk. It's not my fault people are afraid to embrace their inner geek. It's a bloody good show and the beeb knows it. But hey, the sci fi channel got it first and got it good. And yay! Milo cut his hair. Now i'm going to find the interview with chris moyles that hayden did today.
Farewell.

'i loved nothing so well as you, but believe me not, and yet i lie not.'

2007-08-27T12:49:00.001+01:00

-much ado about nothing, act 4 scene 1

I am a big fat liar. I can't go a day without lying. But you know why? When i tell the truth people get angry, so I lie and then people are happy. Except when they find out that I lied. But the interesting thing is that when they find out I lied they're not angry about the lying. They are angry about the truth which I lied about. Which seems to point to the idea that I'm a bad person But I'm not. I have always strived to be good because I've seen how much heartache being bad brings. But trying to be good is different from being perfect and I understand that. However, the people surrounding me have failed to realise it and so they are only happy if I am perfect. So I began to lie.
If I found an exam hard, if I don't think that I got 100%, it's my fault because i didn't revise hard enough. So I say that I was overwhelmed because I did three exams after it, I can't remember, sorry.
More often than not nowadays when i get the results i'm happy, everybody's happy.
-I just got better at lying.
And when people say the only person you're lying to is yourself, in my case they are very wrong. I am very well aware that I am lying, and when i tell the truth people abandon me.obviously i'm not a compulsive liar because otherwise i wouldn't be happy. I would have done myself in a long time ago. I know this because when i tell the truth and people like me, I am happy. Sadly the people who i tell the truth to and like it end up being the people i never see again. Yeah i email them but it's not the same.

of course everything I just said up there could all be one big fat lie.

But it's not

Email kevinj3721@hotmail.com for a free poem.. Apparently

2007-08-24T19:31:00.001+01:00

I hold no responsibility for what you receive from the above address,
but that is an actual ad in SFX160.

Hmmm... I miss people. They're either dead or on holiday. What am i
doing? Watching countdown and pigging out on crisps. Oh, and reading
Sfx of course.
So i lost my job at the sheesha cafe completely. Considering that the
actual concept is illegal now, it makes sense.
I had a dream last night when a guy just kept on telling me he was
sorry but stopped and did the vulcan salute and then just screamed at
me. And i didn't even recognise the guy.
It was so wierd.
So...

'thinking how you'd let them touch you/how you'd never realise...

2007-08-14T19:05:00.001+01:00

...that i'm ripped and hang forsaken/knowing never will i rise.'
-auf achse, franz ferdinand.

Most people, you want the truth? Talk Out Of Their Arses. So people
think i'm cold hearted. I've just stopped caring about people who i
can't trust. So i care about no one. Ok, 1 person but they don't know
that. And i plan on it staying that way. Someone knows you trust
them... Then they're in control. I like being in control.

Transformers rocked. It bloody rocked. Yeah i got dodgy looks because
i was the only girl in the theater who was enjoying it. I went with
the guys from rugby.
The simpsons movie was.. Interesting.. I felt violated. There were too
many people watching with me.

bored now. BOOM.

'I want to get away...

2007-07-20T22:24:00.001+01:00

...to our sweet escape.'
-gwen stefani + akon, sweet escape.

I'm so bloody sorry that you had it tough. But that doesn't mean you
have to run away or speak to me like i'm trash. You run away, you're
weak.
So i turned out fine, you screwed up. I guess i got it right then? So
listen to me!
ARGH. I want to go back to this time last week. And lets try NOT to
make an arse of myself this time.

The gig was amazing. I started crying while i was singing. It was the
first time i properly cried for him. If i decided to 'have fun' at the
weekend i probably would have hidden in my room in floods of tears
because you looked so much like him... Creepy i know. Except he uses
way less product. But thats hormones for you. It only hit me when i
got home and saw all our pictures on my wall... So i might not have
started crying. I guess we'll never know.

oh and it's all come back now... And i am so sorry. That's the last
time i over medicate.

Jimmy finally gave up. He found someone else. One of the Edinburgh
Engels... Who i actually used to be friends with.

During the thunder storm last night i lost all my reception so i
thought no one loved me because i got no texts... Yet i was the one
berated today because i didn't reply... Apparently.

You ain't ever gonna burn my heart out.

2007-07-18T22:36:00.001+01:00

-don't look back in anger, oasis.

would you believe that i wanted to tell you at breakfast that i could
do fun? That the second the door closed i was going to knock and start
saying how stupid i was, but too many anti-depressants meant that over
the course of the day i began to forget.

i let jimmy have a piece of my mind when i got back. He didn't listen
so i hospitalised him. No one gets away with slagging me off.

plus he used way too much product. :P guys should not use product. Full stop.

heroes starts 25th july on bbc 2 at 9. WATCH IT!!

farewell. I'm off to a tribute gig for joe. I'm playing. Wish me luck.

You really think you deserve a subject? Heck... You're lucky that you're getting an entire post.

2007-05-16T20:29:00.000+01:00

Wow... 2 in one day.

'I don't want this. I can't do this. Why did you make this so epic. So
when it crashed be burned it would feel like i died? Because that's
what it's like. You made me feel like I couldn't function without you.
I didn't just give you my heart... You were my heart. And now you're
gone.'

Is that what you want me to feel like? Is that what kind of person you
think I am. You said you watched me for years. And you think this will
destroy me? Did you even know my name? Because you apparently know
nothing about me.

But the icing on the cake (yeah.. You're barely worth a cliché) is
your friends... So i'm fair game am i? You gave them permission so of
course i am.

So... You want to get back together..

You really don't know me at all.

You shoulda seen the look on momma's face when I asked for money to go see slipknot.

2007-05-16T16:33:00.000+01:00

So finally Veronica Mars season 3 has come to the UK... and Grey's
Anatomy season 3. Clever during my finals mufusses.
Entered the poetry competition at school.. Don't know what prompted me
to do it. Make a fool of myself if i win or if i lose.
Now shush.. I need to discredit the moon landing.
xo

Wow...

2007-03-03T23:00:00.001Z

I know.. Normally i think of something witty.. But i can't.
The 'wow' isn't a vista reference.. Which is still pretty cool.. And
pretty.. But there is a lunar eclipse and... Wow.

wow.

--
loveisallalie.blogspot.com

[insert insightful quote here]

2007-02-25T14:58:00.000Z

MIKA baby!
I ruled today. Solihull eat your heart out.
X

--
loveisallalie.blogspot.com

Untitled-6

2007-02-21T20:04:00.001Z

Children with adult hearts,

You don't expect us to be aware.

I can see all I need to from here.

You share a look with her and don't expect me to care.

You think you're the void in my mind.

I sit on the convention table,

We have long conversations while adoring fans

Exude jealousy at me for knowing you so well.

I need you to understand...

It started with a smile.

I pass out at the afterparty,

You wake me up, brushing hair out of my face.

I lash out in my dreams, in reality.

You manipulate my chin to look into a space.

My groggy eyes see a flash of flashy white.

You help me to my room, through hope and fate.

You place my head under a flare stream of liquid ice

And wash away my sins for the night.

A zoo is all around me.

Butterflies in my stomach, leopard spots in my eyes.

The next morning you don't even say hello.

I don't even remember your name.

--
loveisallalie.blogspot.com

Blind

2007-02-10T16:09:00.001Z

It's not fair, you keep knocking me down,

But for all of this love I'm stupid enough

To let myself become blind.

You pull me back up pretending,

Pretend you didn't put me through hell

Where I still love you.

And so I keep both eyes shut to the fire and the flesh,

I pretend that I hate you too:

It's like a game that we play...

Only you always change the rules,

And once again, I'm blind.

--
loveisallalie.blogspot.com

"If you choose the right profession...

2007-02-01T19:53:00.001Z

...You never work a day in your life."
-Confucious

Some people say dreams are re-organisation of memorys. That's why they
seem so illogical but you can relate to every aspect.

Most of the time I can relate to that.. Only when the bad dreams
happen and I can't remember anything about them previously happening.
I don't recognise the people or the person or the place.

That's why I've stopped getting involved. They're all talking now..
And even though they call themselves my friends... They won't want to
listen to what I have to say.

They ask questions and I give them the answers but they dismiss them.
I don't give a damn anymore. How come the reject is accepted but I'm
insignificant.

Each to his own.

Let the skinny 16 year old look out of place... All the girls fancy my
friends... I know what jerks they can be and if the girls want to
screw around let them.

Wow... I have a significant amount of pent up rage.

Playing guitar in the ward (the orderlies like me.) and we're singing
hurt by nin. Well... The johnny cash version because i can only play
my acoustic because the elderlys are above us.

My lord you should see my knee. It's disgusting. It has distorted and
smudged smiley faces which we drew on for a laugh in chemistry.

--
loveisallalie.blogspot.com

"Some gaze astonished at the deadly gift of Minerva the Virgin...

2007-01-10T20:12:00.001Z

...and wonder at the horse's bulk."
-Virgil, The Aeneid

I think my latin teacher would be amazed that I remember my latin
prose from last year.. Considering I never bothered to learn it when I
needed to.

Those of you who know the Aeneid know it's a rip off of the Illiad by
Homer. Book 2 is all about the Trojan horse.

I'm sick of fighting with him. I just want him to go away. He messed
up bad and I don't want anything more to do with him. Can you blame
me?

I got a thank you card from the creative development kids I work with
at nursery. I can't help but be so proud of how much they've
progressed. I decided to stay and suprise them. They were so happy.
And naturally with 3 year olds any 'big girl' is married.

I have to go fill in some forms for leadership liason to give to my
headmistress in an our.. So I'm off.

Oh and if the formatting's kind of funny.. It's because I'm doing this
mobile blogging thing.

"Is Bitter there?...

2007-01-09T20:25:00.001Z

...I'd rather talk to her than Disappointed."
-jonathan coulton, someone is crazy

People have been noticing how I'm different in different situations.
The other week with all the people I got on really well with, I was so
comfortable.. I trusted them! I am well known for my 'guilty until
proven innocent' attitude. I felt comfortable enough to tell them
things I've been afraid to admit to myself. Then I go back to school
and I change. I don't know how but I feel different. Like now I've had
a taste of belonging I can't survive anywhere else. It wasn't just the
rugby but that was really good. It was being pulled around not knowing
where we were going and making mistakes but not being made to feel
this small and ashamed. Running through stairwells with people whose
surnames I didn't even know. But it was terrifying. I didn't know
anyone at first. I was miles away from home.. I felt so vulnerable...
i suppose that made medlink so much easier to settle into. I wasn't
the only one alone. If it wasn't for those nights on the greens I
would have died. Now I need to find out when people are going to
medsim.

Thank you. To Ricardo especially. If it wasn't for you I would never
have found out about the late night rugby! Ah.. Sleeping in the center
corridors because we were locked out on the first night and drawing
all over Mortimer's face.

"Oh, to hell with it...

2007-01-08T20:47:00.001Z

...I'm gonna have a party."
-nada surf, blankest year

Way to bring the bipolar chick down. (she said without any sarcasm at all, of course). I get a phone call. Turns out the drummer's girlfriend doesn't want me to join the band. And then they blame it on me. But how do they announce it? "You were great, I mean.. You were the best audition we've had for months. But we want all our members to be happy with our set up.. And sadly billy (the drummer) will have to leave if you join. And we don't appreciate you jepordising what we have worked on for almost a year." i asked what i'd done to offend billy and apparently i was dressed too immodestly for the atmosphere. IT WAS A PUNK BAND! Wearing a skirt 3cm above my knees and a long sleeved sweater is immodest to them apparently. Oh, and then he had the nerve to ask if I had any ideas for their name. They'd come up with mind comma open. Comma. How original.

If these are the creative minds I wanted to work with.. I'm going back to my ambition of being a doctor.

catching up on ancestor by scott sigler (already linked in another post so you find it or google it if you're impatient.). I wasn't in the pod-scene when it came out so I just know infection and the rookie (which is amazing by the way!) and I'm saving earthcore for next week.

I was into 7th son big time a while ago.. But then i found scott and i love his stuff so much. I want to give him a hug though because he seems really angry.. And in desperate need of huggage.

Go listen to him! His stuff's really violent.. But that makes it so much better.. And even if you don't understand the fake football (why'd you yanks have to steal the name for a sissy sport.. Against rugby.. And them rename the original game soccer. my one disappointment.) Scott explains and it's still really good. Even if you don't like sports it's got something for all the family! *ting!*
check it out.

go detroit lions! tee-hee! I could care less. I have three more things to do on my things to do before I'm 20 list and one is to see the all blacks play.

anyone who can score me tickets to nz as well as to the game? (it's only good if you see them play on their own turf.)

"A man with an obsession is a man who has very little sales resistance."

2007-01-08T17:15:00.001Z

-C.S. Lewis

I'm trying to write my response to this but all I have in my head is
Novacane by Beck.

Everyone was asking about you today. I told them the truth... Which was a hell of a lot less scary than I thought it would be. Except when people responded rather overwhelmingly. I hastily switched the topic to the other week and all the antics we didn't get up to and no one could be bothered to.

I mean playing rugby on the greens outside the center and watching the girls scream when they doubted our aim and were sure we would knock them out.. Then they run away.. Unknowingly towards where the ball was meant to land. Of course there are benefits. The lynx adverts seem to work really well because the sweaty teenage guys... Didn't smell like sweaty teenage guys. And rugby at 1 am is the best. Of course the fact that my knees were mashed up meant that I wasn't on form but the pain was delicious.. And when the guys helped me back to my room because I was about to collapse.. And the one time I did and screamed there was a group of girls by the lake and they actually jumped and one fell into the lake.

I don't feel guilty. It was part curfew in their dorms. They should have known better.

And the little boy who thought I was a princess at the beginning because I was wearing a paper crown.

Oh, I wish I could in back there... just sans the crazy stalker guy who.. I'm afraid to say.. Wasn't affected by the lynx advert.

"Hearing what we want...

2007-01-07T13:51:00.001Z

...is the secret to eternal youth."
-Shakira, Timor

Continually mocked for enjoying rugby (heaven forbid because I'm a
girl) I could just ignore it.. I've been playing long enough to
understand they're the stupid ones. I mean all my other non rugby guy
friends find it cute that I'm only 5' 4" (barely) and I'm the terror
of our team. Well it's not really a team.. We go to the greens and
play whoever's there. But big burly rugby players* are afraid to hit
this tiny sprinting girl. And i abuse this power. Why not?

*yes paul.. I know not all rugby players are big and burly but you are
a stick! That's just odd.

And yet when I can do a 100m sprint in 15 seconds they all praise me and then
when they understand it's all down to the rugby they shut up for a few
days.

I could just shut up about how much I love rugby.. i bring it on
myself.. But then horse girl could shut up about lola her goddamn
chestnut mare.

You don't need a gun to kill me.

"Now I'm so sick of being lonely...

2007-01-06T16:37:00.001Z

...This is killing me so slowly."
-McFly, Lonely

Yes, I gave in. I've been with the boys from the start and no matter
how tacky they get I can't resist them. They are my very guilty
pleasure. Motion in the Ocean. I just thank god that Tom's shirtless
in only one photo. Then I might be put off. My favourite track is
Silence is a scary sound.

Only... All my friends have gone off them so I can't go to their gigs.
I'm not going on my own. So I guess I'm not going. Though the guy at
HMV said awesome when I gave it in at the till. In a non mocking way.
I know because I said (rather disbelievingly) "Seriously?" and he said
his favourite track is Transylvania and if told of how to find the
bonus track.

Ok the stray alsation is scratching at my door again. I really should
call the RSPCA but he's so damn cute and he's actually pretty tame for
an alsation. I've called him Bert.

"The glove compartment is inaccurately named...

2007-01-05T10:43:00.000Z

...and everybody knows it."
-death cab for cutie, Title and Registration

people are idiots. people depend on other people too much. They depend
on you not to cry. They depend on you to laugh when you're in the
worst pain imaginable. They tell you everything will be alright when
you all know it won't be, just so you can concentrate on their
problems.

The human race sucks. We may not all be like that. Otherwise where
would all the Ghandis and Mother Teresas come from. We are taught to
be ashamed of ourselves so we stay grounded. Maybe what we really
should be taught is acceptance.

Maybe next time they run off wanting to be alone, let them.

"As drunken men find flaws in science...

2007-01-03T17:32:00.000Z

...Their words mostly noises"
-Snow Patrol, Set The Fire To The Third Bar

When we were young we felt so old
When we were old we felt so dead
When we were dead we wished we were alive
And then when I saw you I was born again.

"You ruined everything...

2007-01-03T11:19:00.000Z

...In the nicest way"
- jonathan coulton, you ruined everything.

and you did. You made me into the person i despise but the twisted thing was was that i was happy. I accept it. I'm not a nice person. But you made me understand that some people like that. Like you. Except you changed. It's as though you became someone else. You forgot who you were.

i still don't think you've remembered.

><

Jonathan Coulton (Musician)

Scott Sigler (Author)

"Friendship is the only cement that will ever hold the world together."

2007-01-02T15:59:00.000Z

- woodrow wilson.

Well Mr. Wilson, I have a bone to pick with you. I forgot all about them. I bonded with people who don't even know my surname better than i do with people i've known for years.

I know I'm meant to be with these people. Though he keeps on springing into mind.

Well if Mr. Wilson is right then that explains why my world is falling apart.

"Lovers in the Backseat...

2006-09-23T14:27:00.000+01:00

...Jealous glances, now I'm looking for another song on the radio"

I have an issue with the space bar.

I write you letters everyday. I finish pads of paper just for your lies. You've never seen them. I'm too afraid. Fear is the fuel which runs me everyday: the "goddess of fearlessness" cannot live up to her name. We are all alone. Secrets are the way we survive.